Paraprosdokians!

Winston Churchill loved paraprosdokians, figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected.

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

6. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting
it in a fruit salad.

7. They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

9. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out, I just wanted pay checks.

10. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put "DOCTOR."

11. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

12. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street...with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

13. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

14. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

15. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

16. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

17. There's a fine line between cuddling and...holding someone down so they can't get away.

18. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

19. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

20. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

21. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

22. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

23. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

24. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but now it’s getting harder and harder for me to find one.

25. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

26. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

27. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not
screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

28. We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.

29. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a
train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

30. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes
a whole box to start a campfire?

31. Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything,
but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

32. Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they
can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them
fish.

33. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars but check when you say the paint is wet?

34. Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ?

35. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

36.  The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

37. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

38. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

39. Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even
if you wish they were.

40. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

41. Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

42.I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

43. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire
Department usually uses water.

44. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

45. Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

46. A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it
as when you are in it.

47. If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some
people have more than one child?