Taxi Dave 2017

TAXI CAB STORIES 2017

It's my annual evening job driving a taxi in the Big Apple. Marching up to Halloween, there are quite a few stories to share.

Please! ... I'm wearing it ironically.

"Step on it, bub! I want to lose that guy!"

Rocket Man! I may be Polish ...
but that's not my kind of Mushroom!

"Are we there yet? Now? Now? Now?"

"Look what you made me do!"
(Way to take responsibility, girl.)

She said my driving was "deplorable".
So I reminded her that she chose her own course.

"Would it kill you to just drop me off there, 
... at the 'curb'."

"No!!! Not the Bridge!!!"

"Make a hard right!"

... The Aristocrats!

"That's funny! Let's get some Coffee."

That's the girl next door.

And, I like her just the way she is. 

Literally ... Next Door.

"I'm gonna sine yo pitty on the runny kine."

"Shore is built up around here!"

Oh, you say, "Namaste"? You must be so calm.

Hey, aren't you that Susie Essman from the Larry David show, Curb Your Enthusiasm?

"Exactamundo! And, on those cobblestones it feels like Déjà vu all over again."

I don't care what your name is! 
I'm not looking under the seat!

"It doesn't matter where we're going. Everything is nothing. And nothing doesn't exist. So, If I'm not real, who am I? The one who asks, isn't the one! And neither are you. But, who am I talking to? There's no meaning except what you give it. Whoah!"

(I hope I still get paid ... in cash.)

Trust me, Mr. Mayor. It's the fastest route.

"So, now I'm out on my ass. And he's President! 
Some apples!"

"No self! No charge?"

Sure, Your Holiness. 

I'll try that when the rent's due. 

"Nice cap driver."

Thank you Mr. President. But, I wear it 'ironically'.

Hey, what's with the straight face?

[Memorable line from Lost in Translation.]

"You Tweet your meat, you get some heart!"

Yah. And now you have 21 months to cool off!

"It's the next, next thing.  It's called 'Jiffy Jeff''."

Looks pricey!

"Let's not have any drama! Okay driver?"

[Look who's talking.]

So, lady, tell me ... How long do you have to live in Bologna before you're full of Boloney?

"I'll be jammin' with George and Roy from now on."

Well, look a you! Little Raggedy Ann, all growed up!

[That's fashion designer Betsey Johnson. I actually said that to her once when she showed up with her hair in pigtails. She was not amused.]

Some coincidence, huh, Mr. Secretary? 
Manning the helm of the Ship of State.
 Get it? 
"Ship" ... "Tiller"(son).

"And, you're a f#cking moron too!!!"

"And, the taxis were bigger too!"

[Oh, Norma! Always with the drama!]

Hey, Mr. Farmer Jim. Are those Apples you're selling sweet?

"As sweet as I am!"

[That's Farmer Jim Matarazzo, one of the great independent farmers in the Garden State of New Jersey. We have that exchange rehearsed. I asked a women shopper at the Farmers Market to ask him that. When Jim said, "As sweet as I am" the young woman tartly* said, "I don't know what that means. I don't know if he's sweet". Not everyone is your customer. Even for humor. * "tartly"  ]

Where to, Mr. Weinstein?

"Stop the world, I want to get off."

"Now, don't YOU start with me!"

"Just keep going right, until someone tells me to stop."

"I know nothing!"

[You, and everyone else, evidently.]

"Greetings, my Caucasian!"

"My pronouns are 'it', 'what!', and 'who?'"

"I think the heat is off."

[But, just for the time being.]

Cab driver: “There’s something that I’ve been wanting to ask, but I don’t want to offend you.”

 Nun: “I'm sure that there's nothing you could say, or ask, that I would find offensive."

 "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

Nun responds: "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

 The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single. And, I’m Catholic!"

 "OK," the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

 The nun fulfills his fantasy; with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

 But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

 "My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"

 "Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

 The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween

"What he* said. Only, I'd put it as ... 'FLAMING'."

[*Referring to Rex Tillerson's closed door observation.]

"Any questions?"

I'm feeling nostalgic for a certain time in the Big Apple.

DRUKPA KUNLEY

The Divine Madman introducing Himself:

'Dancer in the indestructible stream of magical illusion,

Unifier of the welter of inconsistencies and absurdities,

Power-holder turning the Wheel of Bliss and Emptiness,

Hero perceiving all things as deception,

Nauseous Recalcitrant disgusted with temporal attachment,

Little Yogin piercing others' illusory projections,

Vagabond selling Samsara short,

Light-traveller making his lodging his home,

Fortunate Wayfarer perceiving his Mind as the Lama,

Champion understanding all appearance as the mind,

Diviner of Relativity knowing unity as multiplicity,

Naljorpa tasting the one flavour of all things —

These are some of the masks I wear!'

Where to, Senator Flake?

"The White House. But, take your time. 
I want to arrive exactly on January 20, 2020."

"I'm David S. Pumpkins, and I'm gonna scare the hell out of you!"

That's my deal*! 

Any questions???

*[The Skeletons: They're part of it.]

Let me guess ... Fatwa?

"Yes!!! Fatwa!!!

"Take me to Halloween!"

"Don't be a'scared. I'm not real!"

"Any questions???"

_________________

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