Don't you be a "Coffee Asshole".
What's that you ask?
That's when you are cultivating a pampered palate and take having a nice hot cup of Joe to the Nth level and make a Tea Ceremony ritual of it, procedurally and with the never ending quest for all the equipment and paraphernalia that's being marketed for you to part with your cash. Let's not even get started on the choices from the world of beans. The best cup of Coffee I ever had was in Jamaica; probably Blue Mountain. At around $100 USD per pound, sorry, just how good do I have to have my Coffee? Price/value dialectic.
Like take, for instance, Coffee grinders. Electric or hand ground? Price point? Seems "entry level" electric is close to $200 USD. There are even $200 plus hand jobs too on the high end of manuals. Not to belabor the pun too far, but after all the time invested in turning a hand crank for your result, it might not be such a happy ending.
Consistency of grind — size [matters] varies depending on brew method — is a big factor. Maybe I'm not that much of a Coffee Asshole ... I'm pretty well satisfied with the grind I get with my $20 blade unit. But, I do watch for how long I press the button, and give it a few shakes in between pulses to get all the particles done to uniform size.
I would be tempted to buy an electric grinder. But, when you investigate the options, it's very easy to trade yourself up to the next ... and, the next pricier unit. Conical vs. flat burrs. And, what size. "Retention" ... how much grounds does the unit keep for itself. I generally step back at such a point and consider how many actual coffee beans I could buy for that price. I'll stick with my blade gizmo. Besides, I'm not inclined to do the multi-dimensional palate taste report. "Berry-Orange notes forward, with a hint of Chocolate and Caramel with just the right snap of acidity, finishing with a nice slightly bitter note of burnt Sugar."
Don't give me no jive ... give me a cup of Coffee!
Starbucks, nota bene: "Vente?" That some jive. When I used to go to Starbucks, since I like a good amount of Milk, I'd order a Grande in a Vente cup. [If you're getting from how I'm focused on price, you might think I'm a cheapskate. And, you'd be right.]
But, when I mention "entry level" at $200, the numbers go up quickly from there. The real bucks are in the units designed for Espresso. Let's not go into that thicket of techniques and equipment. Net net, seems you can easily spend at least $1,000 on a half decent Espresso set up. Half. You better be a heavy user at that price point. Or, some Asshole who likes to impress the company. Or, have money to burn.
Which reminds me to convey to you there's the world most expensive and rare Coffee. Kopi Luwak. They literally get it out a cat's ass. I shit you not. And not just any old pussy, but a rare Coffee cherry-eating feline; one Asian Palm Civet to be exact. Talk about bustin' a Cherry! Seems these cats are fussy too. They are picky about what Coffee cherries to eat. Apparently the beans are fermented in the kitty's digestive tract. Thoroughly cleaned for your drinking enjoyment. Let's hope the guy cleaning the shit off your beans that day didn't have a row with the old lady last night. Or, quite the opposite; in which case he might be too pooped to do the poop.
Interested? $650.00 USD per kilo. No shit! At this point I simply have to ask once again, just how good does a cup of Coffee have to be?
The world is full of "the best of" this-or-that's. Like once someone talked about the "best" Burrito. My question was the same, just how good does a Burrito have to be? It's probably a subject worth a doctoral thesis: "The Mindset That Gets You Going down the Rabbit Hole to Perfection." I was once "into" high-end audio. Did you know you can spend $100,000 plus USD on speaker cables?
Okay, we've had our fun. Now back to the topic.
I have to confess I've watched hours of instructionals on how to brew coffee; the various brewing methods, and the equipment requirements whereof. Maybe watching all those videos is a Rabbit hole itself.
When I want a punch, it's Bustelo, in a Moka Pot. Cafe con Leche style with hoted whole Milk and a spoon of Sugar. There are still probably lots of spots in my once hometown NYC to get a good Cafe con Leche at any number of Puerto Rican and Dominican restaurants.
Props to my go-to favorite ...
Alas, no more. Formerly at near the NE corner of 8th Avenue and 14th Street.
Mostly, my morning cup is a pour-over. Fresh ground in a cone shaped funnel, water poured over and collected under into a carafe. Be sure to make a divot in the center so the water gets to the bottom-most grounds. Precisely measured amounts of Coffee beans and water. Beans ground on the spot, with a dash of Bustelo for the win.
I like my "cuppa" hot. If you've ever done a pour-over you know it takes a while. First, a "bloom" with a dash of hot water — better be sure it's the precise right temperature. The "bloom" is to release trapped carbon dioxide for a better brew. Wait a few minutes, then slow pour your hot water. I get a 300ml amount that fills my cup and pour it in three 100ml passes.
I always wonder with all the various ways people have for doing a pour-over no one mentions the temperature fall off what with waiting so long for to get that brew into your cup. Some, I believe prefer drinking their Coffee at a less than hot-hot level. I'm sure there's a whole specialized discussion on just that one topic alone.
So ... here's what this Coffee Asshole does beside the basic steps what to get a nice hot cup of Coffee.
I set the kettle to heat the water. In a shallow pan I heat water with a carafe with some water in it. The pour over funnel goes over the heated carafe — be sure to toss the hot water out of the carafe before introducing the beverage. I've missed this point a few careless times. Ugh! I like a middle-generous amount of whole Milk in my Coffee. I put hot water in my cup and a small glass inside that to heat the milk. Works like a charm: Hot Coffee in my cup!
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