𝐅𝐨𝐫𝐠𝐢𝐯𝐞𝐧𝐞𝐬𝐬 ... 𝐈𝐧 𝐄𝐬𝐬𝐞𝐧𝐜𝐞

THE PRACTICE OF FORGIVENESS

Jack Kornfield 

From "A Lamp in the Darkness: 

Illuminating the Path Through Difficult Times"

"As human beings, we are guaranteed at one time or another to suffer from betrayal, conflict, loss, and pain. We will encounter betrayal and conflict in our families and communities. At times, these difficulties can feel insurmountable and we long for a way out of the suffering and conflict. The first step we need to take is to protect ourselves and others, to set limits, to minimize harm. Then, what is also necessary for us to move forward through our pain is forgiveness—of ourselves and others, and of the events that have caused our suffering.

"It’s important to remember that forgiveness doesn’t happen all at once. You can’t achieve forgiveness by covering up your genuine hurt feelings. There are times when it is important to fully experience feelings of grief and rage and despair and pain before we can move on. Sometimes, there are also events in your life that you believe to be absolutely unforgiveable. But sooner or later, for your own good, your heart will realize that you need to let go. As my friend and teacher Maha Ghosananda, the Gandhi of Cambodia, said to thousands of refugees who had suffered enormously, ‘Remember these teachings from Buddha: Hatred never ceases by hatred, but by love alone is healed. This is the ancient and eternal law.’

"Forgiveness is not primarily for others, but for ourselves. It is a release of our burdens, a relief to our hearts. A story I like to tell is about two ex-prisoners of war who met again years later. One said to the other, ‘Have you forgiven our captors yet?’ And the second one answered through gritted teeth, ‘No, never.’ With this the first one looked at him kindly and said, ‘Well then, they still have you in prison, don’t they?’ Only by learning to forgive can we let go of what is holding us back and move on with our lives. Forgiveness means giving up all hope for a better past.

"Forgiveness is not a single act but a practice that one undertakes, sometimes over a long period of time. What I discovered by practicing forgiveness over time was that sometimes I felt true forgiveness in my heart, and sometimes I felt its opposite: deep resentment that I refused to let go. Sometimes I experienced pain and at other times I was overcome with rage and anger. but eventually tears would come that brought emotional healing. And little by little, the way water wears away a stone, the pain in my heart melted."